Friday, March 17, 2006

The Black Cloud Cometh

I awoke to some distressing news this morning and I'm hoping to find solace here in the blogosphere. I'm not really sure where to begin. I've been rocked to my very core. That something so utterly painful and distressing should reappear when I thought it had gone for good. I guess it was too much to hope for.

What is this horror? You may well ask. I'm loathe to be the bearer of such bad news. But it must be said. I can keep it to myself no more. Morrissey, you see, is releasing a new album.

I know, I know. I share your pain and distress. Like you I'd hoped those ear-bleeding days were no more, that the era of lyrics like "Born old, sadly wise, Resigned (well, we were), To ending our lives" and "Anonymous call, a poison pen, A brick in the small of the back again, I still don’t belong" had passed into history.

But no! He's back. Rapture! And I heard the first single this morning. Another joyous refrain: "You have killed me, you have killed me. I forgive you, I forgive you."

Anyone got any Prozac? It's going to be a long old summer!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Fart Trap

Have you ever been caught in someone else's fart trap? Yesterday, at the pharmacy counter in my local Sainsbury's, it happened to me. There I was queueing up, waiting to pick up a prescription, minding my own business. The woman ahead of me was being served. I kept a respectful distance mindful of the fact that the pharmacist had just shouted "is it a contraceptive you're looking for" to her at the top of her voice. Poor woman. She'd turned bright red.

Anyway, once the woman had been given her (gasp) contraceptives, she moved away and I took her place at the counter. The pharmacist had disappeared into the back and I took the opportunity to dig around inside my bag for my purse. That's when I smelt it... the contraceptive woman's fart that she'd left behind. The aroma intensified around me in an acrid invisible cloud. I spotted the pharmacist coming back to serve me.

"Can I help you?" she asked, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

There was nothing I could do. I was trapped in another woman's fart with no way out.